Hidden Brain

Why Conversations Go Wrong

We assume we know what someone is trying to tell us even before they've finished talking. But that assumption leads us to fill in the blanks with our own expectations rather than actually listening — and the result is that we often respond to the conversation we imagined rather than the one we actually had.

Hidden Brain

Why Conversations Go Wrong

Most people think that arguments and misunderstandings happen because people disagree about facts or values. But Yeomans has found that often, the problem is simpler and more fixable: people don't feel heard. They feel dismissed, or they feel like the other person isn't really engaging with what they've said.

Hidden Brain

Why Conversations Go Wrong

We often assume that the people we're talking to share our understanding of a conversation's purpose — but they frequently don't. One person thinks they're having a casual chat, while the other thinks they're negotiating. One person wants emotional support, while the other launches into problem-solving mode.

Hidden Brain

Why Conversations Go Wrong

We assume that other people understand us better than they actually do, and other people assume that they understand us better than they actually do. This leads to a kind of mutual overconfidence in our ability to communicate — and it means that the gap between what we intend to say and what others hear is often much larger than we realize.

Hidden Brain

Why Conversations Go Wrong

We assume that what's in our head is plain to see to everyone around us. But the thoughts and feelings we have are invisible to others. And when we forget this, and communicate as if our inner world is on full display, conversations go wrong.

Hidden Brain

Why Conversations Go Wrong

We assume that the people we're talking to understand us, that they grasp what we mean. But research shows that we are often wrong about this. We think we're communicating clearly, but the other person is operating on a completely different set of assumptions.

Hidden Brain

Why Conversations Go Wrong

Most people think of conversations as cooperative endeavors where two people are working together to exchange information. But Deborah Tannen has spent her career documenting how conversations are also performances — rituals laden with hidden rules about status, connection, and identity. When those hidden rules collide, we don't just miscommunicate; we wound each other without ever knowing why.

Book of the Day

'Odyssey' translator Emily Wilson on her book of essays 'Crossing the Wine-Dark Sea'

I have no way to tell what any of the words that I speak, that are feathered things on the breath of air, how will they be received and how will my chaos be dispersed to the winds. I have no way to control any of that.

TED

How Bullying Spreads — and How Social Bravery Stops It | Amy Cuddy | TED

Bullying is not conflict. It's not a debate, it's not criticism, it's not humor that you're too sensitive to take well. It is a deliberately targeted, serial, escalating pattern of attacks carried out by multiple people, and it's intended to destroy a person's reputation and their ability to contribute.

Hidden Brain

Why Conversations Go Wrong

We often assume that the people we're talking with see the world the way we do — and when they say something that seems strange or hostile, we interpret it through that lens. But much of the time, the other person is operating with an entirely different set of assumptions, and neither party realizes they're not actually having the same conversation.

Hidden Brain

Why Conversations Go Wrong

We often think that the source of conflict in our relationships is a difference of opinions or values. But much of the time, the problem is something more fundamental: we think we're communicating clearly, when we're actually not communicating at all.

TED

The Four Steps to Hearing Hard Feedback Gracefully | Chris Wheatley | TED

There is no substitute for a tough piece of feedback from someone who cares about us. And when we can make it safe enough for the people in our lives to tell us those hard things, it not only benefits us, it can spark transformation in our workplaces and in our families.

TED

The Four Steps to Hearing Hard Feedback Gracefully | Chris Wheatley | TED

And the feedback is that when I'm not at my best, I come across as arrogant, condescending, self-righteous and a know-it-all -- which is a really nice combination and a great way to make friends, if you're interested.

Wait Wait Don't Tell Me

We fold our phones and get roasted by Leslie Jones | Wait Wait Don't Tell Me

I don't just have to hear my parents say they're not proud of me. I can read it to you.

Hidden Brain

The Things We Don't Say

We expect that people will judge us harshly for saying something awkward, but actually, people often appreciate the effort. The discomfort we feel about saying the wrong thing is much greater than the discomfort the other person feels when we say nothing at all.

TED Radio Hour

Less guilt, more joy: A new chapter for climate action

I think, you know, I would call the 2010s maybe the doom and gloom era of climate change communication. And the thing is that it got people's attention. So I think the focus on kind of scaring people and talking about how, you know, awful everything was made people sit up and listen for a period of time. But the problem is doom and gloom messaging doesn't necessarily motivate action.

Hidden Brain

The Things We Don't Say

We often assume that people can read our minds — that our feelings, our appreciation, our love, are somehow transmitted through the ether without our having to say anything. But research consistently shows that we dramatically overestimate how much others know about what we're thinking and feeling.

The Prof G Pod

The #1 Divorce Predictor Isn’t Cheating — Ft. Divorce Attorney James Sexton | Office Hours

I think people get divorced and their relationships fall apart the same way that I think Thomas Wolf said, uh, people go bankrupt very slowly and then all at once. So, I think it's a lot of little small pieces of disconnection that eventually just catastrophically lead to the failure.

TED Intersections

Why Is It So Hard for Men to Open Up? A Journalist and an Entrepreneur Answer | TED Intersections

Nothing that happens after the question is your responsibility. Your responsibility is have the curiosity, the integrity, the thoughtfulness, and the humility to ask what's on your mind and not bite your tongue because well, it might be uncomfortable. Well, what are they going to say? Let that be their problem.

Throughline

Is it time for a Luddite Renaissance? | Throughline

Something about this moment feels more existential. Like the very core of who we are as human beings is under threat, challenging the way we think, communicate, connect.

Hidden Brain

The Things We Don't Say

We found that people dramatically underestimate how much others will appreciate their expressions of gratitude. They think the other person will feel awkward or that the note will seem, you know, a little bit over the top. But in study after study, we found that recipients felt much more positive about receiving these kinds of messages than senders anticipated.

TED Radio Hour

Less guilt, more joy: A new chapter for climate action

I would call the 2010s maybe the doom and gloom era of climate change communication. And the thing is that it got people's attention. So I think the focus on kind of scaring people and talking about how, you know, awful everything was made people sit up and listen for a period of time. But the problem is doom and gloom messaging doesn't necessarily motivate action.

Hidden Brain

The Things We Don't Say

We often assume that the people around us — our friends, family members, and coworkers — are perfectly aware of how much we appreciate them. But research suggests that people dramatically underestimate the impact of expressing gratitude. The person receiving the message feels far better than the sender ever expected.

Hidden Brain

The Things We Don't Say

We often assume that other people can read our minds — that our feelings, intentions, and inner states are transparent to those around us. But research suggests we dramatically overestimate how much others know about what we're thinking and feeling, while simultaneously underestimating how much our own silence shapes the way others perceive us.

TED Radio Hour

Less guilt, more joy: A new chapter for climate action

Negative emotions get exhausting over time. So there was a really incredible global mega study looking at 60,000 participants from 63 different countries and testing 11 interventions that were all designed to promote action on climate change. Now, one of these messages was kind of a traditional doom and gloom message about how terrible climate change is and how bad everything's going to be. And at first glance, it looks like that message worked really well. It was one of the messages that people were most likely to share on social media. However, this doom and gloom message actually undermined people's willingness to take a more effortful form of action.

Hidden Brain

The Things We Don't Say

We assume that people know how we feel about them. But the research suggests that our feelings are far more opaque to others than we realize. We think we're an open book, but to everyone else, the pages are often blank.

Hidden Brain

The Things We Don't Say

We assume that other people know how we feel about them. But study after study finds that we are much worse at conveying our feelings than we think. The gap between what we feel and what others actually perceive is often enormous.

Hidden Brain

The Things We Don't Say

We often assume that the people who love us know how we feel about them. But research suggests that our positive feelings for others are systematically underestimated — that the people in our lives have little idea how much we appreciate, admire, and care for them.

TED Radio Hour

Less guilt, more joy: A new chapter for climate action

I think I would call the 2010s maybe the doom and gloom era of climate change communication. And the thing is that it got people's attention. So I think the focus on kind of scaring people and talking about how awful everything was made people sit up and listen for a period of time. But the problem is doom and gloom messaging doesn't necessarily motivate action.

Hidden Brain

The Things We Don't Say

We often assume that the people around us can read between the lines — that our silence speaks for itself, or that our feelings are obvious from context. But research suggests that what feels transparent to us is often invisible to others. The gap between what we mean and what we actually communicate can be vast, and most of us have no idea how wide it truly is.

Hidden Brain

The Things We Don't Say

We often assume that people who don't speak up are simply withholding information. But research suggests something more surprising: many people who stay silent genuinely believe they have communicated — they think their feelings, intentions, or objections were obvious, even when they said nothing at all.

Hidden Brain

The Things We Don't Say

Most people, when they think about the failure to express our feelings, imagine that it's the recipient of that expression who benefits. But Epley's research suggests that the person who loses out most from our silence is ourselves. We are the ones left wondering whether the people in our lives know how much we care about them.

TED Intersections

How to Live a Good Life — on Earth and in Space | TED Intersections

What we owe another person is to be willing to look at them again. Which means like often times we meet people and we sort of form our assumptions and stereotypes about them. We kind of We put them in a little category in our brain and then we interact with them according to that category.

Hidden Brain

The Things We Don't Say

We don't just fail to say things because we're afraid of rejection or conflict. We also stay silent because we don't realize how much our words matter to other people. We consistently underestimate the power of our own voices.

Hidden Brain

The Things We Don't Say

We assume that people can read our minds — that the people we love know how much we love them, that our friends understand we care for them, that our colleagues know how much we value them. But studies show that in reality, the people closest to us often have little idea of how we truly feel about them.

Hidden Brain

The Things We Don't Say

We often assume that the people we love know how much we care about them. But research suggests that our feelings are far less visible to others than we think — that there's a persistent gap between the love we feel on the inside and the love that actually gets communicated and received.

Hidden Brain

The Things We Don't Say

From childhood, we're taught that honesty is the best policy. Yet in everyday life, we hedge, soften our words, and leave things unsaid.

The Prof G Pod

Your 20s Decide If You’ll Get Rich | Office Hours

I find that the key to getting a job is how social you are. Study done at Google. They put out a job opening 200 CVs within like 60 minutes. They shut it down. They bring in the 20 best candidates and 70% of the time the person they end up hiring has an internal advocate.

Hidden Brain

The Things We Don't Say

We think that people will judge us harshly when we acknowledge a weakness or a struggle. But the research suggests that vulnerability often has the opposite effect — it actually makes people like us more and trust us more.

Hidden Brain

The Things We Don't Say

We're so focused on the content of our conversations that we forget that the way we communicate — whether we speak up or stay silent, whether we text or talk — shapes the quality of our lives and relationships.

Hidden Brain

How to Be A Better Partner

Most of us think we know what our partners want, but research shows we're often wrong. We assume our partners' needs mirror our own, a bias psychologists call 'egocentric projection.' The result is that we give our partners what we would want, rather than what they actually need.

Semafor

'It's Intense Defamation': Hasan Piker Considers Suing His Democratic Critics

You don't need a Joe Rogan of the left. I'm certainly not the Joe Rogan of the left. You need better policies.

Fresh Air

Dolly Parton

I know it costs a lot to make me look as cheap. But anyway, thanks for having me on too.

Hidden Brain

How to Be A Better Partner

Most of us think the key to a better relationship is finding the right partner. But Eli Finkel says the more important question is how to be the right partner — how to bring more of yourself to your relationship, and to cultivate the conditions that allow love to flourish.

Hidden Brain

How to Be A Better Partner

When we feel that our partner is not meeting our needs, we tend to assume that we've chosen the wrong person. We blame them for being selfish, or insensitive, or not trying hard enough. But research suggests that the problem often lies not with our partner, but with how well we've communicated what we actually need.

Hidden Brain

How to Be A Better Partner

Most of us think that being a good partner means being loving and kind and attentive. And those things matter. But researcher Shelly Gable has found that how you respond to your partner's good news may matter just as much as how you respond to their bad news — maybe even more.

Hidden Brain

How to Be A Better Partner

Most people think the key to a good relationship is finding the right person. But research suggests that what matters more is being the right person — that the skills and habits we bring to our relationships matter enormously.

Hidden Brain

How to Be A Better Partner

Most of us think we know what our partners want and need, but research suggests we're not nearly as good at this as we think. We assume that because we love someone, we understand them. But love and understanding are not the same thing.