Intelligence is probably not the limiting factor for most intelligent people. If you're smart enough to be in the game, the question is really about the other stuff — your ability to stay humble, to keep learning, to manage your own psychology.
Intelligence is widely distributed, but the complements to intelligence — things like the ability to sit quietly in a room alone, to not need external validation, to be patient, to be willing to look foolish — those things are much more rare.
Intelligence by itself, has very limited value. What matters is what complements it — things like the ability to do hard things for a long time, the ability to be honest with yourself, to have good values, to care about the people around you.
Intelligence is probably not the limiting factor for most intelligent people. The limiting factor is more likely things like courage, or open-mindedness, or patience, or emotional balance — the complements to intelligence.
When you're sleep-deprived, you're often the last to know it. People who get six hours of sleep think they're doing just fine, but when you test them, they're performing as badly as people who've been awake for 24 hours straight.
I'm a huge believer in low self-esteem. You know, it's the key to success. If you don't think you're the smartest person in the room, you just shut up and you pay attention.
I realize sometimes I'm the elder and sometimes I'm the youngest person in the room and sometimes I'm right in the middle. And I realize we're all on this journey together and we're all doing the best we can. And I'm really okay with what I don't know. And I think I've only gotten this far because I've been able to admit what I don't know.
We tend to think that if we're unhappy, it's because something bad has happened to us, or because we lack something we want. But research suggests that a lot of unhappiness comes from something we're doing to ourselves — constantly comparing our lives to the lives of others.
We tend to think that if we just had a better job, a better house, a better partner, we'd finally be happy. But research suggests that we're not very good at predicting what will make us happy — and more importantly, we're not very good at understanding why we're unhappy in the first place.
We often imagine that feelings of unhappiness come from outside us — in our circumstances or the difficult people in our lives. But what if the forces that erode our happiness come from within?
The first thought that crossed my mind was this, oh, I bet this is just a big list. It doesn't mean their work was any good. And then I was immediately shocked with my own thought because I went, what? Why did I think that?
It really illuminates a little bit of like the the complexity of the discourse, the irony of saying, you know, somebody's got to save me from me basically
The first thought that crossed my mind was this, oh, I bet this is just a big list. It doesn't mean their work was any good. And then I was immediately shocked with my own thought because I went, what? Why did I think that? Why did I think that?
Most of the people in the past thought that they were doing the right thing. So in order to judge them it's not just that you're having more information and everything. You have to believe that you are doing the right thing right now. You have to believe that what you're doing the things you're not even thinking of won't be judged very harshly in 30 or 40 years by your grandkids.
And the first thought that crossed my mind was this. Oh, I bet this is just a big list. It doesn't mean their work was any good. And then I was immediately shocked with my own thought because I went, what? Why did I think that?
Most people, when they learn that their neighbors are doing something — whether it's conserving energy or paying their taxes on time — are more likely to do it themselves. But here's the odd thing: when researchers ask people whether learning about social norms changes their own behavior, most people say no. They acknowledge it might change others, but not them.
Most people, when they think about helping others, focus on the cause—which issue matters most, which problem is most pressing. But researchers who study this question say that's actually the wrong place to start. They say you should focus first on your own strengths and passions, because that's what will sustain your commitment over the long haul.
We assume that if we are thinking something, other people can see it too. The problem is that our thoughts and feelings are invisible to others. What is obvious to us is often completely hidden to everyone else.
We assume that other people understand us better than they actually do, and other people assume that they understand us better than they actually do. This leads to a kind of mutual overconfidence in our ability to communicate — and it means that the gap between what we intend to say and what others hear is often much larger than we realize.
I think that I was really ignoring my personal relationship with the cello. I think I was using the cello as a tool, trying to extract all the good that I could from it in a way that would make an impact for other people. But I wasn't really considering what does this sound, what does this practice mean for me?
We assume that what's in our head is plain to see to everyone around us. But the thoughts and feelings we have are invisible to others. And when we forget this, and communicate as if our inner world is on full display, conversations go wrong.
I think there's a problem when people have to look at their sleep tracker to figure out whether they feel well rested. You shouldn't have to like wake up like a how did I sleep last night? Like that should be something that people can get from kind of being in touch with their own bodies.
I think that I was really ignoring my personal relationship with the cello. I think I was using the cello as a tool, trying to extract all the good that I could from it in a way that would make an impact for other people. But I wasn't really considering, what does this sound, what does this practice mean for me?
We often think that the source of conflict in our relationships is a difference of opinions or values. But much of the time, the problem is something more fundamental: we think we're communicating clearly, when we're actually not communicating at all.
And the feedback is that when I'm not at my best, I come across as arrogant, condescending, self-righteous and a know-it-all -- which is a really nice combination and a great way to make friends, if you're interested.
If you can align and interconnect who am I, what I believe, and what I'm doing, if you can connect those three dots, your chance of meaning making goes way up. If you can't connect those dots, your chances of meaning making goes way down. You can't connect a dot you've not articulated.
Most people, when they feel the itch to blow up their lives, assume the discomfort is a signal that something is deeply wrong — that they need radical change. But sometimes the urge to flee is not a sign that your life needs to change; it's a sign that you need to change how you're living your life.
Looking back, I think that I was really ignoring my personal relationship with the cello. I think I was using the cello as a tool, trying to extract all the good that I could from it in a way that would make an impact for other people. But I wasn't really considering, what does this sound, what does this practice mean for me?
We think that making a big change will make us happy, but what we're really doing is escaping the discomfort of our current situation. And the new situation will eventually have its own discomforts, which we'll want to escape from as well.
People who blow up their lives often aren't doing something irrational — they're responding to a deep psychological need that their current life isn't meeting. The problem is that blowing up your life is a very blunt instrument for addressing that need.
We often assume that people can read our minds — that our feelings, our appreciation, our love, are somehow transmitted through the ether without our having to say anything. But research consistently shows that we dramatically overestimate how much others know about what we're thinking and feeling.
People who blow up their lives often don't realize that the discomfort they feel isn't a sign that something is wrong with their life — it's a sign that something is wrong with them. And if you blow up your life without addressing that underlying problem, you're going to find yourself in the same situation a few years later.
Psychologist Anthony Klotz studies the "jolts" that shake us out of our routines, and how these moments can help us make more intentional decisions about the people we want to become.
We often assume that other people can read our minds — that our feelings, intentions, and inner states are transparent to those around us. But research suggests we dramatically overestimate how much others know about what we're thinking and feeling, while simultaneously underestimating how much our own silence shapes the way others perceive us.
We assume that people know how we feel about them. But the research suggests that our feelings are far more opaque to others than we realize. We think we're an open book, but to everyone else, the pages are often blank.
We often assume that the people around us can read between the lines — that our silence speaks for itself, or that our feelings are obvious from context. But research suggests that what feels transparent to us is often invisible to others. The gap between what we mean and what we actually communicate can be vast, and most of us have no idea how wide it truly is.
We often assume that people who don't speak up are simply withholding information. But research suggests something more surprising: many people who stay silent genuinely believe they have communicated — they think their feelings, intentions, or objections were obvious, even when they said nothing at all.
We're so focused on the content of our conversations that we forget that the way we communicate — whether we speak up or stay silent, whether we text or talk — shapes the quality of our lives and relationships.
When we feel that our partner is not meeting our needs, we tend to assume that we've chosen the wrong person. We blame them for being selfish, or insensitive, or not trying hard enough. But research suggests that the problem often lies not with our partner, but with how well we've communicated what we actually need.
Most of us think we know what our partners want and need, but research suggests we're not nearly as good at this as we think. We assume that because we love someone, we understand them. But love and understanding are not the same thing.
Most people think the key to a better relationship is finding the right partner. But research suggests that who you are in a relationship matters more than who your partner is — that the same person can experience very different relationships depending on the skills and outlook they bring to them.
We spend our adulthood trying to cover feeling and trying to numb ourselves and distract ourselves. And so acting we get back to the source of like these raw exposed unhinged feelings
Most of us think we know what our partners want and need. But research suggests we're often wrong — and the problem is that we don't realize we're wrong. We assume that because we love someone and have spent years with them, we must understand them. But love and understanding are not the same thing.
Most of us think we know what our partners want and need, but research suggests we're often surprisingly wrong. We see our partners through the lens of our own desires and fears, and we mistake what we want for what they want.
Most of us, when we feel hurt or disappointed by a partner, focus on what our partner did wrong. But Epstein says the more useful question is: what did I do to make it hard for my partner to respond well? It's a subtle shift, but it can transform the way we see our relationships.
Most of us intuitively understand that we are shaped by the unusual circumstances of our own lives. But we rarely think about the ways in which our era, our country, and our culture have shaped our beliefs, intuitions, and desires — making them feel universal when they are anything but.
2mo ago
Underscored — save the words that stop you in your tracks.
